Supposing I had been a proper journalist, or a sub-editor at a decent national or regional newspaper, how much I would have given to have the opportunity to use the following:
1. Innocent guilty
Purveyors of ludicrously over-priced squashed fruit gloop and glorified potnoodles taken to task over impossibly annoying scribblings on packaging.
2. Elms "not a Londoner"
This one's the result of pure spite, envy of the one who does the best programme on local radio anywhere in the country, the one who every other male in existence in face-land in 1983 envied, the red-headed cycling champion of Camden Road. Just imagine the joy - an old school mate pops up to reveal he was brought up in a very posh house indeed in North Norfolk (oh, very well then, it's not going to happen).
3. Fags for the memory
Medical research proves that smoking cigarettes actually improves brain performance in general and long-term memory in particular. The stronger the smoke, the better the mind-sharpening effect - so revert to Old Holborn and Gitanes immediately.
Spinning happily at thirty-three-and-a-third revolutions per minute, not wanting to stop
