About Me

"Use every man after his desert, and who should 'scape whipping?"

Thursday, 1 December 2011

A gift from Yahoo!

Who'd believe it? A day after i write that silly thing about dream headlines, that august organ of international news and reportage - yahoo! - comes up with one that would have given me lasting pride and pleasure, had it been mine:
'Nasty twerp' Clarkson slams strikers

So reality trumps my fiction yet again. This was so much better than the other feeble dream headlines I continue to mint in my sclerotic brain-bin, such as:

Cameron scraps "pointless" Olympics
The prime minister last night announced the cancellation of the London 2012 Olympics, on the grounds that "two weeks of hopping, skipping and jumping were simply not worth the bother".

Journalists almost as bad as the people they write about, concludes Leveson
(that one inspired by the sickening A. Campbell's twopenn'orth).

Blah, blah!

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Dream headlines for better times

Supposing I had been a proper journalist, or a sub-editor at a decent national or regional newspaper, how much I would have given to have the opportunity to use the following:

1. Innocent guilty
Purveyors of ludicrously over-priced squashed fruit gloop and glorified potnoodles taken to task over impossibly annoying scribblings on packaging.

2. Elms "not a Londoner"
This one's the result of pure spite, envy of the one who does the best programme on local radio anywhere in the country, the one who every other male in existence in face-land in 1983 envied, the red-headed cycling champion of Camden Road. Just imagine the joy - an old school mate pops up to reveal he was brought up in a very posh house indeed in North Norfolk (oh, very well then, it's not going to happen).

3. Fags for the memory
Medical research proves that smoking cigarettes actually improves brain performance in general and long-term memory in particular. The stronger the smoke, the better the mind-sharpening effect - so revert to Old Holborn and Gitanes immediately.